I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
