Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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