I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
