Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
