who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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