I puked a lego.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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