I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
