I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
