hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
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