remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
