I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
hell yes lets make some ravioli
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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