You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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