So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
