Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
