I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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