You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
