If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Let's get the cat blown out
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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