My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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