words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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