are you still at the devil's house?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
