Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sobbing to NWA
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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