you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
