her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I party with great urgency now.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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