dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
