i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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