well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I need to calm my uterus...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
