The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
