its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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