hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I deserve this hangover.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
