I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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