Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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