yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
