He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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