probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
