mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
