Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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