I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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