Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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