Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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