she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
