The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
