watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize