fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
