Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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