I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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