I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
