I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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