Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
dude. I can hear the air.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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