it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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