Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Randomize
