so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
