You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize