i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
