Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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