I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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