your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
