i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
