hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
