The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
