I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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